Reflections on Michael Fraidenburg’s “Stuck?”
The Trap We Fall Into (And Why It Feels So Right)
Let me start here: if your conflict conversation keeps circling the same drain, you are not doing it wrong… you are doing it human.
As Michael Fraidenburg points out, our instinct is to go backward. We want clarity. Accountability. A clean narrative of what happened and why. The past feels solid. It’s evidence. It’s “provable.”
But here’s the problem I see every day in my work:
The past may be real, but it is not useful for very long.
Left unchecked, it does three things quickly:
- It hardens positions
- It amplifies blame
- It quietly shuts down any path forward
And then leaders call me and say, “We’ve talked this to death… and nothing has changed.”
Exactly.
Insight #1: The Past Needs a Voice… Not a Microphone
Michael’s line is worth sitting with: “Give the past a voice in the room — not a veto.”
Most teams don’t just give the past a voice… they hand it the microphone and let it run the meeting.
People will not move forward if they feel dismissed. That part matters. But acknowledgment is not the same as analysis. You can recognize impact without reopening the entire case file.
A simple, grounded response like:
“I can hear that this is still affecting trust.”
That’s often enough.
Not agreement. Not endorsement. Just recognition.
Insight #2: You Can’t Drag People Into the Future
This is where I see well-intentioned leaders get it wrong. They try to “solution” too early.
They say things like:
“Let’s just move forward.”
And the room?
It tightens.
Because unresolved concerns don’t disappear. They dig in.
Michael’s three-step structure is solid because it respects timing:
- Acknowledge
- Set a boundary
- Shift forward
Miss step one, and step three will fail every time.
Insight #3: The Real Power Is in the Question
Here’s where the shift actually happens… and it’s smaller than you think.
Not a speech. Not a reset. A question.
“What would working better look like from here?”
“What’s one thing we could try next?”
These are deceptively simple. And powerful.
Why? Because they lower the stakes.
You are not asking people to forgive, agree, or resolve everything. You are asking them to participate in what comes next.
That’s a very different ask.
The Leadership Move Most People Miss
Let me give you the move I coach leaders on in these moments:
Hold both truths at the same time.
- The past matters
- The future requires something different
If you lean too far into the past, you stay stuck.
If you rush the future, you lose people.
The work is in the middle.
Turning the Page (Without Ripping It Out)
Michael is right. This is about turning the page… not pretending the earlier chapters didn’t happen.
Conflict doesn’t resolve because we fully agree on the past.
It resolves because we become willing to build something workable going forward.
One question.
One next step.
One shift in direction.
That’s how movement starts.
And if you’re leading that conversation, your job isn’t to have the answer.
It’s to ask the question that finally gets the room unstuck.
For more insight, resources, and books from Michael Fraidenburg, visit The Cooperation Company today!