So, I am in a great mood because I get a chance to share something that is really important: curiosity, empathy, and conflict. How do curiosity and empathy help manage conflict? Let’s dive in.

The Empathy-Conflict Inverse Relationship

First, when people are in conflict, their empathy bucket bottoms out. There’s almost an inverse relationship: when conflict is high, empathy goes low. Have you noticed that? Think about the last time you were in conflict with someone and you were on your last nerve. Remember that moment when you thought, “I can’t believe they did that!” or “No way you just said that!” At that point, whatever empathy or curiosity you had for that person probably went out the window.

When there’s no empathy, there’s no opportunity for collaboration. It’s part of our stress response—we start emotionally shutting down, focusing entirely on ourselves. This shutdown means our curiosity also dwindles. Without curiosity and empathy, we stop considering the other person’s perspective, making resolution seem impossible.

Upping Curiosity to Boost Empathy

So, what do we do? To increase empathy, we need to up our curiosity. One way to do this is by taking a deep breath and asking ourselves, “How am I feeling about this?” Then, we should ask the other person, “Tell me more.”

It can be hard to hear their perspective, but even while they’re talking, keep this underlying question in mind: “How can a decent, rational person come up with this?” You might think, “Carol, this person isn’t decent or rational; they’re a pain in the ass.” Well, that may be true, but in their world, based on their experiences, their response seems appropriate.

In your world, it might not make sense, but pausing to ask a couple of curiosity questions like, “Tell me more,” or “I’m trying to understand where you’re coming from,” or “Is there something I’m missing about this?” can make a huge difference.

Balancing Curiosity and Empathy

Recognize if your curiosity and empathy are bottoming out because chances are, the other person’s curiosity and empathy are doing the same. By asking curiosity-driven questions, you might help bring their curiosity and empathy back up, which can balance things out and make the conflict feel less intense.

Give It a Try

Next time you’re in a conflict, try this approach. Take a deep breath and remember to stay curious and empathetic. It might feel challenging, but the rewards are worth it. Increased understanding and collaboration can lead to a more positive resolution for both parties.

As always, give it a try. And if you feel like it, let me know how it went. Best of luck!